The complications and traumas of my life were multiplied, after i met him.
the guy i fell in love with as i was taking leave of a relationship that wasnt work out the way i want for the past 5 months
it was 1st June 2010, i told him: let's try it out.
i dove out of a relationship and went into him is exactly the same a cartoon circus performer dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, vanishing completely.
i clung to him to escape from another relationship.
I inflicted upon him every hope for my salvation and happiness.
i did like him that time, not so much, but i think i am desperate.
We met during an offisite activities. He is my team mates.
We walked up the hills, chat and laugh,
I was cheerful and independent.
The connection with him ceased then.
1 months later, i saw his emailed.
I replied.
We had good chat, we went out lunch and dinner.
One night,
He told me that he thinks i am sexy.
and he wants me.
it was a desperate love.
In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.
We had such a great time in the begining of the first month when he was still my romantic hero and i was still his living dream.
it was excitement and compatibility.
The romance dint last for too long.
Once again, i could not stop crying.
and this is when he started to retreat, he was so cool to touch, in need of more personal space.
it was a catastrophe for me.
His withdrawal made me more needy, and my neediness only advanced his withdrawals.
i had become addidcted to him, and his attention was wavering.
i start craving for intenese attnetion, i cried, i turn sick, crazy and depleted.
and i became a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to my own eyes.
a complete and merciless devaluation of self.
